OUTLINE

Lesson 3: What Regulation Really Is

1. Defining Regulation

• Regulation as a general concept: maintaining balance (thermostat analogy)

• In this course: regulation = energy and arousal in the nervous system

• Siegel's framing: regulation is the accelerator and brakes of energy/arousal staying in balance

2. The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS): Accelerator and Brake

• Lives in the brainstem, the lowest and earliest-developing part of the brain

• Two branches (simplified model):

  • Sympathetic = accelerator (adds energy)

  • Parasympathetic = brake (decreases energy)

• Sympathetic takes us up: stress, surprise, excitement

• Parasympathetic takes us down: rest, calm, social engagement

3. Clearing Up Misconceptions

• Sympathetic arousal is NOT automatically fight/flight

  • It becomes fight/flight only when neuroception detects danger cues ("not safe")

• Parasympathetic energy is simply the brake

  • The parasympathetic emergency brake (collapse) activates with cues of life threat, not just danger

  • Collapse pulls energy from limbs toward torso/head to protect survival

• Freeze: contested in ANS models; this course places it under sympathetic

4. The Window of Tolerance (WOT)

• A regulated ANS has natural rises and falls between sympathetic and parasympathetic energy

• WOT = the space where we can manage those ups and downs without "freaking out"

• Regulation isn't about being calm or happy, it's about being in balance (can include anger)- "appropriate energy level to match the situation"

• Popularized by Siegel and Porges; often called the "just right" or "Goldilocks" zone

• Multiple factors widen or narrow a person's WOT

5. How Regulation Develops: The Attachment Cycle

• Basic cycle: need arises, need is expressed, caregiver approaches and soothes, both return to rest

• Infant's sympathetic branch is well-developed at birth (can cry/express intensity immediately)

• Infant's parasympathetic branch is underdeveloped (can't self-soothe)

• Caregiver's role:

  • Caregiver's own sympathetic burst on hearing the cry drives them to respond (infant feels seen/matched)

  • Caregiver then engages their own parasympathetic brake to become a calm, soothing presence

  • Infant "borrows" regulation from the caregiver's parasympathetic branch

• Repeated ~"1 billion" times in year one: this patterns in regulation as the foundation of ANS development

6. You Don't Have to Get It Right All the Time

• Common worry: fixating on missed cues and "messing up" the child

• Ed Tronick's research: even highly attuned parents match their baby's needs only ~30% of the time

• 100% attunement isn't necessary and wouldn't even be beneficial

• Applies across ages: babies, kids, partners, all humans

7. The Neuroscience: Myelination

• Neuron/axon basics: messages travel down the axon

• At birth, parasympathetic signals travel slowly/inefficiently

• Co-regulation builds myelin (insulation) around the axon, like insulation on a wire

• More myelin = faster, cleaner signal = stronger, more efficient parasympathetic brake = regulation

• Ventral vagus (parasympathetic brake) sees peak myelination growth between 30–32 weeks gestation and ~6 months postpartum

  • Helps explain how in-utero and early infancy experiences shape kids

• Important caveat: this is not the only window for myelin growth

  • The brain can grow and change across the lifespan

  • Older kids, ourselves, and partners can all strengthen the parasympathetic brake

• Chronic sympathetic arousal (chronic stress/activation) impairs myelin growth and decreases regulation

• RKBBB's core focus: strengthening the parasympathetic brake via felt safety, connection, and co-regulation

8. Co-Regulation Across the Lifespan

• Co-regulation drives myelin development in infancy and beyond

• Co-regulation is a requirement for regulation, not just an infancy stage

• Addresses common parent pushback: fear that this approach is "coddling" or reinforces bad behaviour, and the pull back toward punishments/consequences

• Strengthened regulatory circuits let kids rest more in "connection mode"

• Connection mode enables skill development, access to prior skills, problem-solving, and decision-making

• Self-regulation = internalized co-regulation

  • Develops through repeated experiences of co-regulation, internalized over time

  • Not taught through "calm down skills"

9. Case Example: The Dance Recital Video

• Scenario: a distressed child holding her teacher's hand, body collapsed, thinking brain offline

• Teacher is attuned but stretched across many kids

• Dad enters, calibrates distance, then physically connects

• Result: immediate settling, thinking brain comes back online, she remembers her dance moves, posture and connection with peers return

Discussion

❤️ The dance-dad video often provokes mixed reactions. What comes up for you after watching it?

🧡 Addressing "why her and not other kids": all nervous systems develop at different rates with different needs; her needs are as valid as any other child's

💛 What are some of my child's behaviors that don't LOOK or feel dysregulated to me, but also are not demonstrating a desire for connection?

💚 Are there any limiting beliefs that come up when I consider reframing those behaviors as behaviors of protection?

🩵 What behaviours does my child demonstrate that are telling me they are in need of soothing/coregulation but are hard for me to respond with co-regulation?

💙 What is getting in the way of me responding with soothing/coregulation?