Decrease the Distance 6:2
🦉 Module 6 · Lesson 2: Decreasing the Distance
A challenging but important connection and co-regulation strategy
1 · 📏 What this lesson is about
💛 Decreasing the physical distance between your child and you (or another regulated adult) so they’re more likely to be successful.
2 · 🎈 The unspoken expectation of parenting
As kids get older, we expect them to be OK without us right beside them.
How this usually unfolds:
🛝 We hover at the playground, then sit on the bench, then maybe stay home
🎂 We stay at birthday parties with five-year-olds, then drop them off with one or two adults
🎬 Eventually we drop them at the movie theatre with no adults at all
🔑 What’s really happening: kids can be further from us, for longer, and still stay regulated enough for safe and prosocial behaviours.
3 · 🚫 It’s not about character or trust
The common story we tell:
“They can’t be trusted.”
“They wait until we’re out of earshot, then do whatever they want.”
What’s actually happening:
Kids behave in expected ways around adults because they’re getting:
Active vs. passive co-regulation
🤲 Active: the adult is intentionally co-regulating
🪑 Passive: the adult isn’t doing anything specific, but proximity alone provides what the child needs
4 · 📍 Where kids commonly struggle
🏫 Recess
🚌 The school bus
🎉 Birthday parties
⚽ Sports and extracurriculars
🚪 Being alone in a room at home
🔍 Common theme: little or no close co-regulation. One adult for many kids, or no adult at all.
It seems reasonable an eight-year-old can manage the bathroom alone or play with a sibling unsupervised
But if you’re repeatedly seeing that they can’t, it’s not naughtiness
They need more co-regulation to keep their owl brain engaged
5 · 🧭 Simple, but really hard
⭐ Until kids have the internalized co-regulation to succeed without us, we keep them closer.
When we can’t be close:
Reframe struggles as a lack of co-regulation, not sneakiness or untrustworthiness
6 · 🧴 Examples: boundaries, not punishments
The bathroom
Making messes, wasting toiletries?
Either they can’t be alone, or can’t be alone with that much shampoo
Shampoo stays out of the shower; they get just what they need each time
Devices and video games
Can’t resist games you don’t allow?
Devices are used with supervision
At night: device stays with you, or wifi goes off
💡 Without the temptation, the owl brain doesn’t have to work so hard.
The owl brain helps us not do things we want to do but shouldn’t.
Your child doesn’t need to be more trustworthy. They need a stronger owl brain.
7 · 🧠 Why it works
Co-regulation builds the myelin sheath that insulates the nervous system’s “brakes” so they work faster and more efficiently
This is true for infants and teenagers alike
🌱 Decreasing the distance isn’t necessarily forever.
It meets the needs of the child we actually have, not the child we think we should have based on age or how long they’ve lived with us.
8 · 💭 Re-examining expectations
Some children have brain-based differences that will need tighter boundaries throughout their lives
Sometimes we need to re-examine expectations and grieve that our kids will always need more support
9 · 😠😢 When kids push back
Kids may react with shame, or feel like they’re being punished
Their feeling is valid
We can’t hold back what they need out of fear of their shame or anger
🤝 We can both give kids what they need to succeed and offer validation and co-regulation for the feelings that come up.
Remember:
Don’t expect gratitude for boundaries
Mad or sad is reasonable
🔮 Anticipate it and stay in your 🦉 owl brain
Offer attunement and validation (coming in this module)
🐕 🦔 Deep watchdog or possum reactions? More strategies are coming
10 · 🧩 The kids in this class
If you’re here, your child likely isn’t showing as many safe and prosocial behaviours as same-age peers in the same settings
When a child is struggling, it’s often because they don’t have the physical proximity, and therefore the active or passive co-regulation, they need from a regulated adult