Match the Energy, Not the Dysregulation 6:7

1. Lesson Introduction 🌟

  • An advanced pro-parenting skill

  • Goal: match your child’s energy without matching their dysregulation

2. Photo Discussion: Reading Energy 📷

Notice how differently each dysregulated child’s energy feels:

😭 Child 1: Crying, screaming- NS Accelerator to the floor. A lot of energy

😔 Child 2: Curled up, head on knees- NS Brake- collapsed. Very, very little energy

😠 Child 3: Glaring, stiff posture- NS accelerator, volcanic energy just below the surface

3. Why Matching Matters 🪞

  • Regulation = staying mindful and connected to self

  • Staying regulated with a dysregulated person is hard, but grows with practice

  • With enough practice, you can stay regulated and match their energy

What matching does

  • Kids who feel matched feel mirrored

  • Mirroring is another way of experiencing attunement

  • Matching lets nervous systems sync up, so your child can move more easily into felt safety

Why “just stay calm” misses

  • If you stay calm with these kids, your energy is too far from theirs

  • They can’t sync up, so they can’t come into regulation

🦉 Regulated doesn’t mean calm. It means connected to yourself, at an energy your child can reach.

4. A Few Suggestions 🧭

Be close enough 📏

  • Close enough, physically and energetically, for them to catch your regulation

  • But not too close. There’s usually a sweet spot

  • If they say “go away,” stay close enough to hear when their energy shifts

Mind your tone and prosody 🗣️

  • How would you sound with a watchdog kid versus a possum kid?

  • (Facilitator to give examples. See draft suggestions below.)

Get lower than them ⬇️

  • Sit, squat, crouch, or get on the floor

  • Sends a visual cue of safety

  • Makes it less likely you’ll get dysregulated while matching their energy

Words are optional 🤫

  • If your child can’t tolerate any words, you can still match their energy without talking

5. This Is an Owl Brain Skill ⚠️

  • Only attempt it when you’re regulated and in your owl brain

  • Otherwise it will:

    • Come across as inauthentic

    • Likely mean you match the energy and the dysregulation

💛 Not regulated yourself right now? Skip this one. Connection and presence are still enough.