Parenting with Connection & Co-Regulation 6:1

1. Module Introduction

  • Module 6 focuses on strategies for connection and co-regulation

  • Self-regulation is developed through co-regulation

  • Kids with vulnerable nervous systems have overactive watchdog and possum brains

  • Parenting with co-regulation means going back to how regulation is built

    • To repair and grow regulation circuits in the nervous system

2. What Parenting with Co-Regulation Asks of Us

  • See difficult behaviour as dysregulation

  • Respond to it that way: meet the need by staying regulated

  • 🦉 Regulated does not necessarily mean calm

The four-need question

When a child is struggling, ask: does this child need...

  1. Regulation

  2. Connection

  3. Felt safety

  4. Skills

...or some combination?

3. Our Regulation Comes First

  • To co-regulate, we have to be regulated

  • Our regulation is an invitation to the child’s nervous system to rest into:

    • Connection

    • Safety

    • Regulation

  • Course-long thread: the difference between regulated and calm will keep coming up and should feel clearer by the end

4. The Baby Lens 👶

  • When babies cry, we respond with co-regulation

  • We see their behaviour as exactly what it is:

    • Information about distress in the nervous system

    • A need for help

  • Parenting with co-regulation means working hard to see this child the same way

  • The behaviour shows us their need for:

    • Co-regulation

    • Safety

    • Soothing

    • And yes, boundaries

5. Naming the Hard Part 🔥

  • This can feel like holding fire instead of rushing to put it out

  • It’s brave and requires a leap of faith

  • Common fear: “Are they learning this behaviour is OK? That there are no consequences?”

The reassurance

  • We need the owl brain to learn anything

  • When we reconnect with the owl brain once it returns (Module 9), co-regulation does not teach that bad behaviour is OK

  • Instead, it teaches kids:

    • We see them

    • We know they’re a great kid who is really struggling

    • We will help them

6. Behaviour Is Rarely About Not Knowing

  • Kids generally aren’t confused about what appropriate behaviour is

  • Challenging behaviour is very rarely a knowledge gap

  • It’s usually about ACCESSING what they know/can do:

    • A vulnerable nervous system

    • A lack of regulation, connection, or felt safety

Facilitator note: the grown-up mirror

  • We as adults don’t always act the way we know we should

  • It’s never because we don’t know better, and no one needs to teach us

  • Misbehaviour is very rarely about not knowing