Validate the Feeling (Even If It's Irrational) 6:5
💬 Validation Supercharged by attunement
**PDA SPECIFIC: some PDA'ers may struggle with others naming their feelings through validation. The perceived loss of autonomy in others naming their own personal experience can be difficult. This is where we walk on the tightrope of creating a demand in naming the feeling, using language to identify it... so many nuances to consider.
1 · ⚡ What validation is
💛 Validating a feeling, even an irrational one, is like supercharged attunement.
Reflect back their feelings, even if you don’t agree or they seem irrational
This validates their experience without judgement
📌 Validating irrational feelings gets its own lesson, because it’s extra hard
2 · 🗣️ Putting it into practice
Imagine a child says:
“You never let me do anything! It’s so unfair! You let my brother do whatever he wants!”
🔍 First, consider what you already know about her.
Three ways to reflect:
🪞 Repeat it back
“It feels like I never let you do anything, but I always let your brother. It’s so unfair!”🔎 Go a little deeper
“It feels like I’m being mean on purpose!”💭 Reflect what you know is underneath
If there’s sibling tension and she often feels you like her brother more, reflect that!
3 · 🦉 “Feels like” vs. reflecting it straight
We can deliberately choose whether to include “feels like” or just validate the experience directly.
Owl brain snaggers:
“It feels like...”
“You think...”
“It seems like...”
🔑 These words create a little distance between BEING the feeling and FEELING the feeling.
It’s a scaffolding technique:
Child: “You’re so unfair!”
You: “It feels like I’m so unfair.”
If it doesn’t land, shift:
Child: “I don’t THINK you are, I KNOW you are!”
You: “I hear you! You KNOW I’m being unfair!”
“This feels unfair” ➜ not landing? ➜ “Yes! I hear you! It IS unfair.”
🌱 “Feels like” is an attempt to snag the owl brain, but the owl brain might not be ready to come back yet.
Which to use?
Let your experience with your own kids guide what feels most validating
4 · 💔 When it feels impossible to validate
Sometimes what our kids say feels like:
🙅 “No way can I agree with that!”
😤 So disrespectful it must be addressed right now
Like: “I hate you!!!!”
Why kids say it:
🐕 Almost certainly the watchdog brain: verbal aggression driven by fear
🌊 Or feelings are HUGE and they reach for the biggest words they know
Regulated, validating replies:
“You are so mad right now.”
“Your feelings are huge right now.”
“You hate me right now.”
If they can tolerate words: “I get it. That’s a huge feeling, and you’re allowed to have it.”
📌 Staying regulated when your child is very dysregulated is covered in Section 3.
5 · 🤝 Validating ≠ agreeing
⭐ Use your owl brain to remind yourself: validating isn’t agreeing or telling them they’re right.
It shows that you:
👂 Hear them
👀 See them
🦁 Are brave enough to welcome the biggest, hardest feelings
6 · 🤫 When they say “shut up”
Some kids push back on verbal validation
This is valid!
If they say “shut up” or “stop talking,” stop talking
Validate and attune non-verbally instead
💡 “Shut up” isn’t very respectful, but dysregulated people aren’t very respectful.
📌 Module 9 covers what to do once the owl brain returns, helping kids eventually express feelings in a firm yet respectful way.