5:3 Growing the Owl Brain from In-between

1. Lesson Introduction

• Focus: offering cues of safety relationally, from the in between space of our relationship with our child

2. Our Nervous System Is a Cue

• Children’s neuroception can sense when we’re in protection mode

• Adults in protection mode: unpredictable and can quickly become unsafe

Facilitator note: trauma histories

• For parents of kids with trauma histories: their children were hurt by adults in protection mode

• These kids carry a very real felt sense that adults in protection mode can and do become unsafe

3. Growing Our Own Owl Brain 🦉

• One of the most powerful ways to offer felt safety is to grow our own owl brain

• The more time we spend in connection mode, the more our kids feel us as an anchor of safety

• Validation: after parenting this child (and with our own histories), most of us aren’t in connection mode as often as would be good for us or our kids

• Reassurance: if this lesson feels too hard or impossible, Section 3 covers growing our own owl brain, even amid chaos

4. Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Backfires 🎭

• Pretending to be calm while flipping our lid inside

• Yes, control behaviours that could hurt our kids

• But inauthenticity is itself a cue of danger

• Kids know, through neuroception, when our insides and outsides don’t match

• Can’t trick our kids into feeling we’re in connection mode.

5. Be Honest, Not Manipulative 💬

• Ideally, we come into connection mode

• But we aren’t superhuman: we will get stuck in protection mode, maybe a lot

• So: don’t pretend you’re not mad

✅ Honest

❌ Manipulative

“I’m really mad right now.”

“You’re making me mad.”

“I’m just so disappointed in you right now.”

• Honesty = expressing our true feelings

• Manipulation = sharing feelings in hopes it will change their behaviour

• Bonus: naming our feelings honestly sends cues of safety to ourselves and may help us shift into connection mode

6. Aim for Regulation, Not Calm

• One of the most important in-between cues: being regulated (not necessarily calm)

• We can still send safety cues through our nervous system, even when rightfully upset

7. “The Things You Like Are Interesting to Me” 🎮

• Between watchdog and possum moments, we’re tired

• Another Minecraft conversation can be the last thing we want

• When we can, show kids we see them, know them, and care about their unique pieces

Why it matters

• Engaging on their terms communicates:

  • How fun they are to be with

  • That they are good and valid as humans

• Especially important for kids who receive a lot of correction

  • Kids who believe they’re bad and irritating tend to act bad and irritating

8. Honest Look at Presence 📱

• It takes bravery to look at how much true connection and presence we’re offering

• Stressful lives make it easy to retreat into ourselves, devices, or hobbies

• No shame, just honesty and new habits and routines so kids get to experience us

• You’re pretty cool, your kid is lucky to spend time with you, and it’s exhausting.

9. Delight ✨

• One of the most magical ingredients for secure attachment

• Circle of Security distinction:

  • Delight = joy in your child for who they are

  • Enjoyment = enjoying an activity with your child

  • Both matter; they’re just different

• Delight lives in our face and body energy: you’re a delight simply because you exist

When delight is hard to find

• Intense behaviours can hide a child’s delightful parts

• Delight is spontaneous and can’t be faked

• But we can watch for it, then be intentional about communicating it (verbally or non-verbally)

10. Reunions 🤗

• Moments of coming back together after any separation

  • Short: playing outside, in another room

  • Long: school

• Be deliberate about showing how glad you are to see them

• Avoid jumping straight into tasks, to-do lists, or unhappiness about behaviour

• Even a five-second practice that can make a big difference

Welcome every mood

• Greet with attunement and a welcoming stance, whatever mood they bring

• Grumpy, irritated, happy, easy-going: all can be welcomed

• A mad or sad child is welcomed a bit differently than an excited one

• Attunement skills come in the next module

11. Playfulness 🎈

• Big baffling behaviours often mean we’ve lost play, in ourselves and our family

• Playfulness can feel difficult, exhausting, or even unsafe

• It’s essential for growing the owl brain and building resilience in a sensitized nervous system

• Kids need to experience the accelerator without flipping into watchdog brain

• Look for small opportunities

Key reframe

• Playfulness is a state of the nervous system, not just an activity

• 🦉 + 🐕 Owl and watchdog together: safety with energy and connection!