Connection as a Strategy 6:6

1. Connection Is a Given, Not a Reward 🤝

• Connection with a safe person is never earned

• It’s something kids can always rely on, no matter their behaviour

• 📺 Responding with connection when kids are dysregulated says:

  • "It’s a given- something to always be relied on"

  • “I want to be with you even when things are tough”

  • “I value our relationship more than anything else”

  • “You don’t have to earn my unconditional love”

2. The Paradox of Connection as a Strategy 🦉

• You can’t use connection like a strategy. It won’t work if it’s a tactic

• But true connection grows the owl brain

• Link back: in Module 5 (Felt Safety), feeling connected to you is a core part of felt safety

• Like attunement and validation, connection works at every level of watchdog and possum brain dysregulation

3. Permission to Do Only This ✨

• Connection is the strategy, so it’s enough on its own

• You don’t need to follow it with:

  • A consequence

  • A lecture

  • Anything else

💛 It’s OK to respond with connection and nothing more.

4. Facilitator Note: When Connection Isn’t Safe ⚠️

• Depending on your group, acknowledge that some kids have been hurt in connection (abuse, neglect)

• For these kids, connection can register as a cue of danger

• Connection then needs to be titrated

• Source: Robyn’s podcast episodes 158 & 159 (When Connection Isn’t Safe and Titrating Connection)

5. Getting Curious When Kids Struggle 🔍

• Ask: where is their owl brain right now?

• Behaviour signals no access to the owl brain

• The need underneath: more regulation, connection, or felt safety

• So focusing on connection, instead of stopping the behaviour with a consequence, makes a lot of sense

6. What Connection Can Look Like 🚲

Stop and do something fun

• It’s OK to literally pause whatever is feeding the dysregulation

• Movement is a bonus:

  • Bike ride or walk

  • Shooting hoops

  • An arm wrestling match

• More movement ideas coming in Modules 7 and 8

Offer a drink or snack 🍎

• Expresses connection and nurturing

• Sensory input may support regulation too (more in Modules 7 and 8)

Follow their lead

• Do something your child wants to do

• Invite them to show you, teach you, or share something important

Get out of the house 🚗 (especially for older kids)

• Go for a drive

• Music or silence, whichever is more regulating

• Sit side by side instead of face to face

• Grab a drink or snack

• No drive-thru or money needed

7. Naming the Worry 💭

• Responding to hard behaviour with connection will feel counterintuitive

• It may feel like rewarding “bad” behaviour

• This is a normal worry

The reframe

• If the focus is the behaviour, a bike ride feels wrong

• If the focus is bringing about regulation, connection, and felt safety, a bike ride makes perfect sense

• Rewards and consequences don’t change behaviour

• Helping kids feel regulated, connected, and safe changes the brain, and then the behaviour

🦉 Connection is not a reward for bad behaviour. Use your own owl brain to remind yourself.